Drama
A Man in Full
Talent and intrigue ultimately can’t cloak the truth about this vulgar, crass and graphic drama on Netflix.
What do we know about Ted?
He’s a sentient teddy bear, brought to life by the hopeful wish of John Bennett back in 1985. And as Ted and John grew into adulthood, we learned a little more: that they both really like marijuana—and that some might describe the two as alcoholics. And it could be argued that Ted was the original Cocaine Bear.
Beyond that? Hmm … oh, they like jokes with shock value. The cruder and more offensive, the better.
Well, believe it or not, the foul-mouthed teddy bear was once a high school student with John. He was forced into it by John’s father, Matty, after the dad came home to find Ted sitting on the couch surrounded by prostitutes and the TV broken by one of Ted’s misfired bullets.
And that first day of school, Ted pledged that he’d get himself expelled as soon as he possibly could: No one makes him miss his midday The Price Is Right viewings. But getting kicked out will be a challenge, especially since the principal wants to keep him around to make an example of how even the worst of students can be reformed into model citizens.
Still, Ted aims to give it that old high school try. Maybe he can start his quest for expulsion by trying and getting caught smoking marijuana for the first time?
As for John, he doesn’t hold back to Ted about how awful high school is, and he’s happy to have his friend by his side—even if he doesn’t know for how long the Beanie Baby reject will be there. If nothing else, John’s confident that Ted is going to change his high school life, for better or worse.
Bear With Me
It seems the last few years have been the age of the biopic. Oppenheimer, Elvis, Till, Tetris, Air, The Blind, Golda, Big George Foreman, I Wanna Dance With Somebody, The Fabelmans, Chevalier … goodness, I could go on. Even Willy Wonka himself got an origin story biopic.
And perhaps Seth MacFarlane thought, “well, if a fictional chocolatier can get a biopic, why can’t the most uncaring of bears get one, too?”
Much to the detriment of us all.
It’s a shame, really, to return to Ted, since MacFarlane has proven with shows like The Orville that he can produce compelling and thoughtful content that doesn’t rely on shock comedy. We’ve made it no secret that we’re not big fans of the Ted Cinematic Universe, what with all of MacFarlane’s crass humor stolen straight from a middle school locker room. And just in case you were thinking that perhaps Ted was tamed for the sake of this show, you’d be badly mistaken.
It should come as no surprise that the heavy language is through the roof. Drug use and sexual content are not only parts of the show, but major plot points of almost every episode—including that of the LGBT variety. The Christian religion is made fun of, up to and including Ted’s belief that he might be the second coming of Christ. And to be fair, many other beliefs and people groups are mocked, too.
So, is Ted tame? About as tame as stepping on a bear trap.
Ted is forced to attend high school with John, and he quickly seeks out marijuana so that he can get himself expelled for possession of drugs.
Ted tells John’s cousin Blaire that his options for helping himself are to either turn to drugs or the church, and he’s afraid that if he goes to church that he’ll be sexually assaulted by a Catholic deacon. John and Ted pray before they smoke marijuana to thank Him for it, where Ted apologizes for the comment about His deacons. As John pulls out a lighter, the bear quotes “let there be light.” And while under the influence, Ted claims that if you can decipher what an Oreo says, you can know the mind of God.
Ted attempts to pressure John’s mother into saying the f-word, but John explains that she won’t say it because she doesn’t want to go to hell. Ted wonders “what kind of malevolent god would” give a pretty girl a name he thinks is ugly. We hear a reference to Catholic confession. A dream catcher is mounted on someone’s wall.
Ted and John discuss masturbation for some time on a couple different occasions. Ted searches for pornography. Ted references oral sex. Someone claims that a person’s going “full gay,” and that they always knew he was a “big queer.” This causes Ted to ask who all at the high school is gay, and a multitude of students raise their hands. A teacher rants to his students about how his wife had an affair and about how his daughter is having a pregnancy scare, which he knows about because he buys her tampons.
We hear a joke that references child rape. Ted fires a gun and accidentally shoots the TV. We hear a reference to abortion. A news report informs us that Ted was arrested for brawling in a strip club. We hear a joke about suicide. Ted claims that wearing a backpack makes him and John look like suicide bombers. John is punched twice in the crotch. Ted makes a joke about the Andean mountain plane crash. Ted and John are sprayed with mace.
People smoke marijuana. Ted purchases a bag of the stuff. We hear a reference to harder drugs, too. John’s father, Matty, drinks beer.
Matty blames Asian people for his car being wrecked (based on a stereotype) even though he didn’t see who did it. He also tries to explain that he’s not racist, all while saying some derogatory things about Italians and Cubans. Meanwhile, he shifts the conversation when he learns that Blaire used to experiment on haircuts on her Black dolls to determine if she’d like the cut on her white dolls. She’s called a “Nazi doctor” for it. To explain away the money they spent buying drugs, John and Ted plan to lie that they saw Schindler’s List and were so moved that they chose to donate to “Jew causes.” Ted cracks a crass joke about Anne Frank.
The f-word is used nearly 90 times, including three instances that are preceded by “mother.” The s-word is used almost 40 times. We also hear words like “a–,” “d–n,” “h—,” “p-ss” and “t-ts” used. Crude words for male and female genitalia are used, too. God’s name is used in vain nearly 20 times, including three instances in the form of “g-dd–n.” Jesus’ name is used in vain almost 15 times. We also hear a derogatory word used to describe Polish people.
Kennedy Unthank studied journalism at the University of Missouri. He knew he wanted to write for a living when he won a contest for “best fantasy story” while in the 4th grade. What he didn’t know at the time, however, was that he was the only person to submit a story. Regardless, the seed was planted. Kennedy collects and plays board games in his free time, and he loves to talk about biblical apologetics. He thinks the ending of Lost “wasn’t that bad.”
Talent and intrigue ultimately can’t cloak the truth about this vulgar, crass and graphic drama on Netflix.
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