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Paul Asay

Movie Review

Loretta Sage is suffering from a serious case of lover’s block.

Not writer’s block. The novelist can string words together just fine. But the thing is, Loretta writes romance novels. And honestly, ever since her husband died, Loretta just hasn’t been in the mood for romance.

Her latest book, The Lost City of D (featuring her popular protagonists Lovemore and Dash) was as steamy as a cold shower, as sultry as a tax audit. And even though her romances have sold incredibly well, Loretta feels as though The Lost City of D might be her last. Dash can dash off, for all she cares—yellow hair streaming in the sunset—and leave Loretta alone.

But first, she’ll have to participate in one more excruciating book tour—answering the same questions, plastering on the same fake smiles. Worse yet, the tour includes Alan Caprison, the beefy, blond model who—thanks to myriad appearances on Loretta’s book covers—has become synonymous with Dash. In fact, it seems that most of Loretta’s fans actually want to see Alan. And preferably without his shirt.

But as the first stop on the tour winds down, Loretta meets a fan who wants to talk with her. It would’ve been more flattering, perhaps, if the fan (a rich fellow named Fairfax) hadn’t also sent a couple of goons to kidnap her. Fairfax, you see, isn’t that interested in the plot of the Lost City of D: He’s more interested in the actual lost city Loretta wrote about, and the treasure that might be found there.

Fairfax knows that before Loretta became a romance novelist, she was a lost-language specialist: He believes that she based her book on real history. In fact, Fairfax knows it: He found Loretta’s Lost City and now owns the island on which it sits.

But now he needs Loretta’s help. See, somewhere in that archaeological ruin lies the fabled Crown of Fire, a bit of treasure that must be worth ever-so-much. Moreover, he’s uncovered a strip of cloth written in a language lost to everyone but Loretta. He believes that it might—no, it must—point to the fabulous crown. And he needs to retrieve it quickly, before the island’s volcano buries it underneath a few layers of lava.

Loretta politely declines to work with Fairfax, but refusal is not an option. The novelist is promptly chloroformed and whisked off to this island paradise/prison/potential tomb. She’ll help Fairfax: Oh, yes. Fairfax will make sure of it.

It’s just the sort of scenario that Loretta might write about, actually—one she’d neatly resolve with heroic Dash riding in on a white horse, hair gleaming, muscles flexing, gun booming, dimples dimpling.

Alas, Dash isn’t real. But Alan is. Yeah, that’s right: The cover model. Sure, Alan may not have two doctorates or years of martial arts training like Dash. But he is a certified Crossfit trainer, and that counts for something, right?

Positive Elements

So, yes, Alan’s a little out of his depth here. He dives into this adventure despite being allergic to water. (A little dip in a jungle river gives him a serious case of eczema.) But he’s kind of attracted to the author, and he’s willing to put his life on the line to save her. He also turns out to be a pretty decent, kind-hearted fellow, too—not just Dash’s mindless, muscle-bound stand-in. You might say (and the movie actually does) that Loretta learns a bit about not judging book models by their cover. Or something.

Beth, Loretta’s publisher, is equally dedicated to the writer. While she doesn’t come swinging into the jungle like Alan does, she works tirelessly to rescue Loretta—buying tickets, twisting arms, riding goat-laden cargo planes as she tries to track down her star writer. And she gets a little help herself from Adrian, the owner of the aforementioned cargo plane, who aids the party in unexpected ways.

Spiritual Elements

Someone calls Adrian an angel in passing. “How did you know?” he says. Some characters participate in what appears to be a meditation class, and we learn that Alan met a character at a meditation retreat. We hear an exclamation of “Holy Christmas!” We hear a quote attributed to Lao Tzu, the founder of Taoism: “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”

Sexual Content

Fairfax refers to Loretta as the “sex book writer.” And gathering from the snippets we hear from her books, that feels pretty accurate. Readings are filled with suggestive imagery and titillating verbiage (without crossing the line into straight-up verbal pornography), and Loretta coaches someone on how to pace a book’s erotic elements for full emotional appeal. One night, as she tries to treat the eczema on Alan’s exposed back, Alan asks how she might “write” that scene and make it romantic. Her narration is filled with erotic descriptions and ends with the heroine’s request to have sex.

Loretta and Alan don’t physically replay Loretta’s sensual narration, but (obviously) a mutual attraction does develop between them, and they smooch a time or two. They also, comically, share a hammock. Loretta also sees all of Alan’s anatomy after a leech-infested wade through a river: Alan exposes his buttocks to her (and the camera), and Loretta has to pull leeches off his posterior. He then turns around so she can inspect his crotch: (She makes several comments on what she sees, but the audience doesn’t itself see anything.)

Alan often goes shirtless, and Loretta quips that the model finds an excuse to remove his shirt during every public appearance. (During a mutual appearance during the book tour, the audience convinces Loretta to remove Dash’s shirt for him—though the removal attempt goes awry.) During that same tour stop, Loretta’s publicist forces Loretta to wear what the writer describes as a “glitter onesie.” It reveals quite a bit of cleavage and is quite tight—so much so that Loretta claims the fabric is climbing up into numerous areas. (She wears the outfit for most of the rest of the movie, though the onesie’s leggings eventually are ripped off.) She smuggles a bit of cloth in her own outfit, tucking it between her breast and the onesie’s fabric.

Alan helps Loretta scale a cliff by pushing his head into her crotch (thus helping to push her up). Beth also wears outfits that showcase cleavage. In a physical manifestation of part of Loretta’s book draft, Lovemore and Dash lie next together—and at first it would seem they’re in the throes of post-coital bliss. (That turns out not to be the case.) We hear crass references to body parts and sexual activity, along with both intentional and unintentional double entendres. Loretta takes a bath, and we see her from the shoulders up. Later, in the clutches of bad guys, she exposes her shoulder seductively. She describes herself as a “sapio-sexual,” which she says means that she finds intelligence sexy. Someone calls another woman a “slut” (in what the caller hopes is an affectionate, chummy way).

Violent Content

In a fairly shocking scene—shocking, in part, because of the movie’s PG-13 rating—someone is shot in the head, sending blood and brain matter everywhere. A good bit of the gore seems to land on Alan’s face (including his mouth), and he complains that he can “taste” the victim’s thoughts.

A man falls from a ledge, apparently to his doom. Two others fall off a cliff after crashing into each other on motorcycles. (“Perhaps they’re fine,” Loretta suggests, though that seems unlikely.) Someone is set ablaze via cigar ashes and alcohol. Someone’s knocked off the roof of a moving SUV/tank. A few people are rendered unconscious due to sleeper holds. Others are knocked out during fights, which involve fists and feet and drinking glasses and car doors.

Two people nearly drown. Guns are pointed and sometimes fired. A tomb holds the skeletal remains of two people embracing, and others are nearly buried alive in the same tomb. A volcano threatens the safety of many. A scene in one of Loretta’s books depicts a tomb littered with poisonous snakes. Loretta is overcome by chloroform.

Crude or Profane Language

We hear two uses of the s-word along with several other milder profanities, including “a–,” “crap” and “h—.” God’s name is misused nearly 15 times, and Jesus’ name is abused thrice.

Drug and Alcohol Content

“Why can’t your own personal tank have its own mini-bar?” Fairfax asked. It’s a rhetorical question, of course, because his personal tank has one. He enjoys his whiskey and drinks it often. Others imbibe as well. We see, for instance, a pre-kidnap Loretta sip a glass of iced Chardonnay in the bathtub. Someone smokes a cigar—with unfortunate consequences. (Turns out, smoking really can kill you.)

Other Negative Elements

We hear references to bat feces, and a cave mouth is compared to a “troll anus.” Someone urinates in a body of water. Both Alan and Loretta gag while dealing with leeches. After Loretta kicks a trash can over, she’s appalled with herself for littering.

Conclusion

As Loretta and Alan plot out their next move—trying to decide whether to get off the island or dive deeper into the jungle to find the fabled Crown of Fire—Alan turns to Loretta.

“This is your story,” he tells her. “How do you want to write it?”

Someone might’ve posed the same question to the movie’s screenwriters.

The Lost City can feel a little lost itself. While it always aims to be a romantic adventure comedy, a la 1984’s Romancing the Stone, it swings wildly on its PG-13 pendulum. Though our protagonists rarely kiss and never have sex, Loretta’s raunchy prose and the screenplay’s naughty entendres push this blushingly out of bounds for most families. For much of its runtime, the movie seems to intentionally avoid both death and blood—and then in one shocking moment, that restraint is blown to pieces … along with part of someone’s head, apparently.

With just a little more restraint, The Lost City could’ve been unexpectedly navigable. But because of a handful of scenes, the film is unexpectedly ooky. It’s almost as if the studio received a nice, sweet, funny script and hired Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane to handle the rewrites.

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Paul Asay

Paul Asay has been part of the Plugged In staff since 2007, watching and reviewing roughly 15 quintillion movies and television shows. He’s written for a number of other publications, too, including Time, The Washington Post and Christianity Today. The author of several books, Paul loves to find spirituality in unexpected places, including popular entertainment, and he loves all things superhero. His vices include James Bond films, Mountain Dew and terrible B-grade movies. He’s married, has two children and a neurotic dog, runs marathons on occasion and hopes to someday own his own tuxedo. Feel free to follow him on Twitter @AsayPaul.