Deputy Larry is a small-town cop who fits well in his community. He’s not the sharpest (or the cleanest) shovel in the shed, but he gets along. He’s got good friends and a loving girlfriend. (He refers to her as “big-t-tted and quick-witted.” See what I mean about him not being clean?) But Larry has a dream. His heart is set on someday becoming a federal agent.
So when he spots thugs in black suits roughly escorting a young woman through town, his cop senses perk up. He figures this might be his chance. He’ll rescue this obviously distressed woman, named Madeleine, and prove that he’s got the mettle for the majors.
He grabs her and runs.
Only to find out that the men in black are FBI agents escorting Madeleine to witness protection. They want their girl back—and she wants to be given back. Something doesn’t feel right to the little town lawman, though. Besides, Larry isn’t one to let facts get in the way. He’d rather trust his gut to lead him to the truth. And he’s got plenty of gut to rely on.
In spite of all his faults, Larry seems to want to do right by those he serves and serves with. He works well with the folks in his town, and his motto is, “Let’s go do some good.” Larry’s girlfriend, Connie, is a sincere young woman who openly speaks of her love for the hefty deputy.
When Larry and Madeleine stop in a small town, a young boy sells them lemonade and earnestly says to Madeleine, “God bless you, ma’am.”
The seamiest elements of the movie are delivered in the form of Larry’s country-fried sleazeball jokes and crass commentary. Sexual quips compete neck and neck with bodily function gags—sleaze wins by a wrinkled up nose.
Connie is the local Daisy-Duke-all-grown-up who is always dressed in a form-fitting, midriff-baring, low-cut top and short skirt (except for once when she’s in a bikini top and a short skirt). Madeleine also reveals midriff with her outfit. At a party she shows up in a backless, low-cut dress and later in a cleavage-enhancing fitted suit. Elsewhere, a bikini-clad woman is seen getting out of a pool. A number of women wear low-cut gowns.
Larry wears hiked-up boxer shorts and a “muscle” shirt in one scene, and in another he strips totally naked and is given a body cavity search. (A strategically placed ball cap is all that’s between him and the camera.) He has a Big Bust magazine in his truck.
Connie and Larry kiss briefly at the beginning of the film and share a long victorious lip-lock as it closes. Larry slaps Madeleine on the backside. When Larry is hurriedly pushing Madeleine into his truck he comments, “Those are real.” Later, when Larry takes a quick corner, Madeleine ends up face down in his lap.
Most of Witless Protection‘s violence is delivered in the form of slapstick pratfalls and over-the-top rough-and-tumbles, with Larry usually on the receiving end of the punishment. For example, he gets into a fistfight with a security man that includes kicks to the stomach, punches to the face and several hard blows to the head with a statuette. Larry is also battered and tumbles from a horse during a polo match.
He dishes it out, too. Attempting to prove that Madeleine is dead, he punches and elbows her prone figure several times in the face.
Larry, Connie, FBI agents, the sheriff and a local farmer all wave handguns and shotguns around at one time or another. The agents go one step farther and shoot them at Larry and Madeleine. Larry blows up his truck to cover his tracks.
The s-word is exercised close to 10 times. “D–n,” “a–,” “h—” and “b–ch” all pop up five to 10 times each. “B–tard” is used, as are numerous inappropriate references to male and female body parts. Jesus’ and God’s names are misused several times, once when “God” is combined with “d–n.”
Larry looses a racial slur, and he makes an obscene gesture.
Madeleine smokes. Larry takes a long swig out of a bottle of alcohol. A number of party guests guzzle wine and mixed drinks. A doctor relative of Larry’s injects Madeleine in the face with a needle full of Botox.
Gaseous and urinary sound effects are trotted out for yuks (and yucks). A guy breaks wind and lights it with a lighter. Larry projectile vomits and then searches through the mess for a key.
A friend of Larry’s cuts the FBI agents’ fuel line to slow them down.
Witless Protection takes place in a world where buxom waitresses pierce their belly buttons with fishing lures and stroll around half naked with shotguns at the ready. A land where redneck cops revel in their own messy bodily functions. A place where a guy can come up with at least a dozen different cornpone-isms to spice up already juvenile discussions of masturbation, female anatomy and bestiality.
It’s a make-believe Middle America that’s crude, rude and socially unacceptable. It’s also one-dimensional. Not to mention Larry the Cable Guy-al. Stepping into this backcountry looking for a grin is like accidentally falling into a pen full of pig swill. You might be able to laugh about it. But after you pull yourself out of the muck and find your way to the car, there’s only one smell that stays with you as you head home.
After spending more than two decades touring, directing, writing and producing for Christian theater and radio (most recently for Adventures in Odyssey, which he still contributes to), Bob joined the Plugged In staff to help us focus more heavily on video games. He is also one of our primary movie reviewers.
