A soldier has to be many things: brave, composed, disciplined, strong. But sometimes the strength they rely upon fighting in wars overseas isn’t enough to carry them back home.
Many soldiers have found healing from those unseen wounds in therapy. But that was never Zoe’s style. In fact, she told her best friend and fellow soldier, Merit, that if she ever caught Zoe in therapy once they got home, Merit had permission to kill her.
Unfortunately, it’s not really up to Zoe anymore, because well … she’s dead.
Merit knows this to be true, but it hasn’t stopped Zoe from living rent-free in her head. Sometimes Merit likes having this version of Zoe around—like when they’re singing along to their favorite songs in the car. But other times, it’s not such a jam fest.
Zoe likes to be the center of Merit’s attention, discouraging her from making new friends or even answering her mom’s phone calls. In fact, Zoe is so distracting that Merit accidentally dropped a forklift full of television sets onto a coworker, nearly killing the guy. The courts charged her with criminal negligence, but they also recognized that Merit was suffering from a form of PTSD. So, rather than being fined and imprisoned, Merit’s been court-ordered to attend group therapy for veterans.
But Merit can’t quite bring herself to talk about Zoe in therapy. Part of that is Zoe’s fault: After all, if Zoe didn’t like the idea of therapy when she was alive, she certainly doesn’t support it now that’s she dead.
However, the larger part of Merit’s reluctance comes from the simple fact that she doesn’t want to move on. And she knows that once she opens up about how she’s seeing her dead friend Zoe, she might lose Zoe forever.
Without giving too much away, My Dead Friend Zoe deals with grief: how we process the loss of a loved one and move on without forgetting about them entirely.
Several military members attend veteran-focused group-therapy sessions. The things they discuss are not easy to hear. Some talk about injuries they received or friends they lost. But it’s clear that talking about those struggles among other soldiers gives them a sense of ease and camaraderie. And we see how many are slowly beginning to heal.
Elsewhere, Merit’s grandpa, Dale, who served in the Vietnam War, tells her that he never shared his war or post-war experiences with their family because he didn’t want to burden them with his grief. “A soldier sucks it up,” he tells her. However, he says, that doesn’t mean he went through it alone. He had found solace in sharing with other Vietnam vets, people who knew what he was going through because they had done so themselves.
Merit struggles to process what happened to Zoe partially because she blames herself for her friend’s death, and she isn’t ready to forgive herself for that. But she also realizes that the Zoe she has built up in her head—the one who won’t let her forget—isn’t the Zoe that she knew. And once Merit accepts that fact, she is able to take steps toward healing.
After Zoe died, Merit isolated herself from everyone, including her family, believing they would never understand her grief. However, as Merit comes to terms with Zoe’s death, she mends her relationship with her mom and grandpa, finally opening up to them about her time in the military. And this helps Dale, too: Since the loss of his wife, he’s been withdrawing, exasperated by his recent Alzheimer’s diagnosis. But as he draws closer to his granddaughter, he realizes, just as she does, that they have a lot in common. And he allows her to help him through his grief and through his medical ailments.
Merit’s group counselor, a fellow veteran, never gives up on her, constantly encouraging Merit to open up at therapy and allow the others to help her bear her burden of grief.
Elsewhere, a woman gives money to a homeless veteran. In his spare time, a man helps clear the weeds out of a cemetery. Merit and Dale both demonstrate patriotism.
Zoe sometimes interacts with the environment around her. However, this is all a part of Merit’s imagination, a manifestation of her grief.
Zoe’s dog tags show that she was Catholic.
A woman makes a crude joke about another female soldier’s breasts. Zoe wears cropped tops throughout the film. Merit wakes one night to find her grandpa wandering through the house in a tank top and boxers. Zoe jokingly suggests that Merit’s group counselor is “obsessed” with her. A man says his divorce gave him a bit of PTSD.
Two of Zoe and Merit’s fellow soldiers hit on them, making some crude comments about their figures. The women tell them off …
… but Zoe is formally reprimanded after making a physical threat in response to the inappropriate remarks.
We don’t see the act onscreen, but a veteran dies by suicide, and we see the body on the ground, gun in hand, afterward. One vet says he’s lost more soldiers to suicide than he did to war. We hear that people spat on a Vietnam vet when he returned home, calling him a “baby-killer.”
Merit peels off a dead, bloody toenail, a result of her running routine. She finds Dale unconscious on the floor one night. Later, we see him with a bandage on his head from where he hit his head.
Veterans talk about injuries they received and friends they lost both during and after the war. Merit visits the grave of a soldier who died at 17 during World War II.
Throughout the film, Zoe jokes about death, suicide and other forms of violence. Before she died, she flippantly said she hopes she’ll die in a “blaze of glory.” She even wanders outside the safety of her camp in Afghanistan, purposely trying to goad a rumored sniper. This display scares Merit, who tries to convince Zoe that her life means something.
A man kicks over a trash bin in anger. Merit accidentally knocks a glass on the ground, shattering it. She also slaps herself in the face several times in a row in frustration.
We hear about 20 uses each of the f- and s-words. Both profanities are also used frequently in background music as well, in addition to the previous tallies listed. There are frequent uses of “a–,” “d–n” and “h—,” as well as a single use of “d–k.” God’s name is abused 10 times, four of which are paired with “d–n.” Jesus’ name is also misused twice.
Someone displays her middle finger.
Flashbacks show that Zoe drank heavily both on and off-duty (with Merit occasionally joining in). And that habit got worse once her tour of duty ended, indicating deeper emotional problems. After Zoe dies, Merit continues to see her imbibe. Another veteran says he also “self-medicated” to deal with his pain.
Zoe smokes cigarettes and dips tobacco, and she spits the latter into a bottle. People drink alcoholic beverages elsewhere.
Several of the soldiers and veterans we see onscreen are dealing with some form of mental health problems. While some are seeking aid, others, such as Zoe, are held back by pride or unhealthy understandings of what therapy is. Zoe tries to deflect her own struggles by using humor.
Merit’s grandpa is diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimer’s. As his condition worsens, it becomes clear he cannot live alone anymore, since he has fallen a few times and been found wandering, with no clue of where he is. Dale struggles to accept this fact, with occasional outbursts of anger.
Merit’s mom decides to move Dale into an assisted-living community. However, she neglects to tell him that’s what’s happening to him, asking Merit to bear the burden of disappointment. But Merit can’t bring herself to do it, so she lies to her grandpa by omission as well. And Dale feels betrayed by them both when he learns the truth.
A man spits at someone’s feet in anger. Two people clean latrines, and we see some fecal matter.
There are a few jokes about racial and socio-economic differences.
Having grown up as an Army brat myself, I tend to cry during just about every military-focused film I see. My Dead Friend Zoe is no exception. This film is both heartwarming and heartbreaking, funny and sincere. I absolutely wept. And while I think many viewers—particularly those who are current or former service members—will get a lot out of this movie, there are some serious content concerns to be aware of before making the decision to watch.
First, potential viewers should note that this film deals heavily with suicide. And we briefly see the aftermath of one such death onscreen. Writer and director Kyle Hausmann-Stokes drew inspiration from his own “platoon buddies,” who, as the film states in the credits, “survived a war then lost the battle with suicide.” Statistics referenced in the film tragically note that more than 127,000 American veterans have died by suicide since 9/11, 18 times more than were killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Unfortunately, we also see through Zoe (and hear through other veterans) how many soldiers turn to alcohol in an attempt to self-medicate their depression or trauma. And we witness through both Dale and Merit how others might withdraw from their support systems, choosing to put on a brave face instead of seeking help amid crippling PTSD.
Still, My Dead Friend Zoe clearly encourages veterans to seek mental health services. And it urges others to support veteran-focused organizations, which the credits tell us have contributed to the decline of veteran suicides since 2019.
All of that said, this isn’t an easy film to watch. And its message, while important, isn’t easy to deliver. There are some other problems you’ll want to be aware of (harsh language being the foremost), too. So be sure to read this review in full, weighing the costs and benefits carefully, before deciding whether to watch it.
Emily studied film and writing when she was in college. And when she isn’t being way too competitive while playing board games, she enjoys food, sleep, and geeking out with her husband indulging in their “nerdoms,” which is the collective fan cultures of everything they love, such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate and Lord of the Rings.
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