One of the paradoxical ironies of the social media age is the fact that it’s never been easier to connect with others, and yet many people—especially teenagers—feel more disconnected than ever. And that begs some important questions: Why are today’s teens so lonely compared to previous generations? And what role has social media perhaps played in creating that problem?
Stats Show Kids Today Feel Isolated and Alone
In a report on loneliness worldwide that was released in August, the World Health Organization’s Commission on Social Connection reported that 20.9% of 13- to 17-year-olds struggle with loneliness.
Indeed, there seems to be a growing consensus that the problem is getting worse for Gen Z. And with it comes a long list of related mental health issues, according to Dr. Gene Beresin, executive director of the Clay Center for Young and Healthy Minds at Mass General Hospital and the author of Ways to Help Your Lonely Teen: “It always used to be that the elderly was the population that were the loneliest. But what the Surgeon General and many researchers determined is that loneliness—particularly among Gen Z, aged 12 to 27—has been increasing steadily. Along, I might say, with depression, anxiety, stress and sadly, suicidal ideation.”
Beresin and others speculate that a number of influences leading to isolation and loneliness are in play here. Social media, as I mentioned above, means that kids don’t feel the need to connect in person because they can do so easily online—albeit at the expense of face-to-face relationships. COVID-19’s lingering shadow also remains in play as a disruptor for virtually everyone’s normal way of life, a shadow that we’re still emerging from.
Overscheduled kids means less time for friendships and informal downtime together. And our fears about our world’s safety mean that the free-ranging ways of previous generations—on bike, out in the neighborhood—are largely now just “when I was your age” anecdotes from Gen Xers and Millennials.
And speaking of neighborhoods, an unintentional consequence of school choice is that in larger metro areas, our kids’ best friends may not live anywhere near them geographically. Instead of just walking to Johnny’s house to play, we now schedule playdates, shepherded and chaperoned by parents who spend more time than ever driving kids around. For that matter, fewer kids than ever walk to school these days as well, which also hinders growth toward health independence.
Finally, remember when turning 16 meant getting your driver’s license? Not so much anymore. A recent report suggests that nearly 40% of teens have delayed getting their licenses for one to two years, and 30% by more than two years.
Why? Again, social media plays a role in that the opportunity to connect once afforded by a car and license feels less important. But factor in busyness, legal requirements, fear about the world and a general sense of anxiety that seems to be pervading much of life these days, and it’s not hard to understand why teens would rather just curl up at home on their beds with their phones.
It’s a perfect storm that results in teens who often don’t feel the need to spend time with friends face to face, combined with the fact that they have too much to do and no way to get there anyway. And even then, it’s a scary world out there, so why take any chances, right? No wonder today’s adolescents feel disconnected and lonely.
So what can we do as parents?
Parents Can Help Kids Conquer Isolation and Loneliness
First, it’s easy to drop the “when I was your age” bomb on our kids. But do we expect them to just say, “You’re right dad. I’m going to go do it just like you right now”? Yeah, no. That’s likely not going to happen.
Instead, we need to ask them about their relational worlds and then just listen. Empathy needs to come before trying to “fix” their loneliness. If we notice that they’re feeling down or withdrawn, we might make an observation to that effect (“Hey, it seems like you’ve been a bit withdrawn lately”), and then perhaps ask, “Is there anything I can do to help you connect with your friends?” It’s certainly easier to jump the gun and just tell them what we think they should do (“You’re constantly in your room. Why don’ t you just go spend time with your friends?”). But it may be better to let them know that we’ve noticed how they are doing and work out some kind of solution together.
Second, help them connect face to face whenever possible, with as much age-appropriate independence as possible, too. For younger kids, that may mean arranging that playdate and driving our kids to a friend’s house. For older kids, some friends may live close enough that they could walk, bike or drive (depending on their age) on their own, without parents “helicoptering” over them.
Third, encourage activity, mobility and initiative in connecting with friends. If you aren’t able to drive your kids to a hangout—and they aren’t old enough to take themselves—don’t let them give up. Rather, use the experience as a problem-solving opportunity. Perhaps they could ask the friend’s parent for a ride. Or maybe they could take a look at the bus schedule.
Fourth, depending on your circumstances, you may want to prioritize helping them get a driver’s license. I confess, we’ve done it slowly in our house—not because my kids didn’t want their license, but because the laws and expenses where we’ve lived have made it difficult. I’ve been the proverbial “speed bump” here, because licensing classes were costly, insurance is crazy expensive and, frankly, I was a bit afraid of the whole idea of them driving. But if it’s an expense you can afford, and your kids are interested in getting on the road, sometimes we might have to swallow our own fears a bit and help give them the freedom they’re longing for. As an added bonus, it can also help your teens become more responsible as you establish boundaries, curfews and most importantly, trust.
Finally, sometimes our kids’ struggles with loneliness—and the mental health issues that may come with it, such as anxiety, depression or even thoughts of self-harm—may be beyond what we’re equipped to handle as well-intentioned and engaged parents. If withdrawal or behavioral changes seems severe, it may well be time to engage with a professional, such as a counselor, doctor or pastor.
The world is an amazing, beautiful, sometimes dangerous place, ripe for our kids’ exploration. We don’t want them to be reckless or foolish What we do want is for our kids to grow in making wise choices themselves. We want them to have the savvy to figure out what the best way forward is in moments when we’re not there to help them or tell them. In other words, we hope to instill in them a balance between curiosity and discipline, between caution and taking healthy risks.
To help our kids grow in relationship with their peers, and to combat this epidemic of loneliness, isolation and anxiety, we need to encourage them to build friendships face to face … and appropriately let go of the reins as they gradually grow up and move into that great big ol’ amazing, beautiful, sometimes dangerous world.
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