Eons ago, the galaxy was ruled by the Eridians, a mysterious, advanced race that somehow vanished from existence. Since their disappearance, the far less capable human race has flourished like frantically procreating wildebeests.
Still, even those sometimes slow-witted human beasties realize that Eridian secrets are still out there to be found. And rumors suggest there’s a vault of said treasures hidden somewhere on the wasteland planet of Pandora. It’s a desolate world filled with dangerous creatures, savage gangs of killers and, of course, a huge number of “vault hunter” adventures looking for the score of a lifetime.
Pandora also happens to be the home world of a woman named Lilith. She, however, left that planet long ago. This skilled, seasoned bounty hunter couldn’t care less about vaults and hidden technological treasure. In fact, she detests Pandora itself. You couldn’t pay her to step foot on that traitorous world again.
Well … maybe you could.
Because when a powerful and wealthy guy named Atlas offers Lilith an astronomical sum of money, she reluctantly shuttles back to her home planet for the job. But it will only be for as long as it takes to rescue this guy’s kidnapped daughter and get back out, you can be sure of that!
However, when Lilith touches down on this junkyard world, unexpected things come flying at her from every direction.
For one thing, an obnoxious chatterbox of a robot named Claptrap becomes her constant companion (sorta like Jar Jar Binks with a wheel). A military commander named Knoxx and her army of soldiers show up to blast away at Lilith, too. Gangs of rabid psychopaths come screaming at her out of every nook and cranny. And even Atlas’ daughter, Tiny Tina, starts throwing bombs and grenades her way when she draws near.
What’s going on?
Well, it seems everybody thinks Tiny Tina is the key to that secretive alien treasure vault that humanity is seeking. There’s cloning science and even special powers in the mix. And, of course, that desperate dad, Atlas, is just in it for the power and cash as well.
All Lilith can say is … “Arrgghh!”
Why didn’t she just stay where she was, blasting away at bloodthirsty crooks and wanted felons? You know, where it was safe.
Once Lilith teams up with Tiny Tina and that girl’s small group of protectors, she becomes dedicated to protecting the teen. In a way, she sees a bit of herself in the girl. Lilith was abandoned and betrayed when she was just a child, too. So Lilith, a former soldier named Roland, a large criminal named Krieg, and a neurotic scientist named Tannis all risk their lives for Tina’s protection.
We later find out, however, that Lilith wasn’t exactly abandoned by her mother. She was actually sent away for her own protection. Lilith sees a message from her mom, and the woman apologizes for their separation and voices her love.
We hear that there was a prophesy that a girl (a daughter of Eridian) would someday appear and be the key to opening the Eridian’s mysterious treasure vault.
Nearly every female on Pandora (except Tina) wear outfits that sport swaths of bare skin or some amount of cleavage. That’s particularly true with the seductively clad bar owner Moxxie.
Krieg and a number of the muscular killer thugs on Pandora run around shirtless.
Most of the film’s scenes involve some sort of fiery explosion or tons of bullet-zinging and laser-zapping battles. Massive structures break apart. Various vehicles smash into each other and the surrounding scenery. A huge ship crashes to the ground, wiping out buildings and scores of people.
Roland races his vehicle into the screeching maw of a massive creature, then blasts his way out the other side with rockets and large-caliber gunfire. Gore and goop splash everywhere.
Tiny Tina throws stuffed animals and dolls that explode and erupt in flame. People are set afire by flamethrowers. A woman is obliterated by a powerful ray cannon. Groups of people are sprayed with a corrosive acid and fall writhing to the ground. Tina snaps a guy’s neck. Thugs swarm in to attack with clubs, axes and guns.
In the wake of all of these explosive battles, corpses lie everywhere, with blood staining and splashing about the battlefields as well.
We hear more than 15 s-words, along with a handful of uses each of “a–,” “b–ches,” “a–hole,” “d–n” and “h—.”
God’s name is misused several times (once in combination with “d–n”). The phrase “p-ss off” is spit out a few times. Claptrap says “mofo” while addressing the audience during the credits.
People drink at Moxxie’s bar. Claptrap carries a large bottle of wine around during a celebration.
Tiny Tina and her crew escape pursuers by driving into “P-ss Wash Gulley,” home to a giant Thresher monster. Tina opens their vehicle’s window, and some of the liquid in that valley splashes onto the truck’s occupants. Claptrap reports that the offending goop is “67% urine and 14% fecal matter.”
Someone gets hit with a powerful taser blast, and Claptrap notes, “Who knew that an electric shock could cause defecation.” (We don’t see that happening, though.) Lilith vomits after being teleported. There are various other toilet-humor focused gags, such as Claptrap “pooping” bullets after being shot repeatedly by a gang of thugs.
If you’re not a gamer, you may not be aware of the über-popular looter-shooter video game franchise that this pic is based on. The Borderlands games present a bizarre world filled to the brim with imaginative, randomly generated weaponry that players can obtain and use to blast away at all that bizarreness with. The characters are exotic, the adventure immersive.
Even critics of M-rated violent shooters like myself, can find this game world to be a bit of a guilty pleasure.
So, when true fans of the series learned that the astounding Cate Blanchett would lead up a live-action movie version of Borderlands, they were truly joyous. Throw in a gaggle of other top-shelf actors (along with the sometimes controversial director Eli Roth) and the fanbase was shooting their digital weapons in the air and celebrating like a gang of Wild West bandits.
After early screenings of the film, however, the celebratory hue and cry online has dwindled as quickly as a screaming Claptrap kicked down a mineshaft.
And that’s for good reason.
Even with the immense talent of Blanchett deployed at the fore, this pic feels like an empty loot box. We witness great movie sets and lots of ‘splosion-filled action, to be sure, but nothing else. The film just ramrods its way through to the conclusion, with little to no character development or story connection.
Family audiences just looking for something colorful at the movie house to take the kids to will be equally disappointed. Not only is the story kind of meh, but they’ll also have to wade through the foul language and splattering goop.
There are many better ways to spend a Saturday.
After spending more than two decades touring, directing, writing and producing for Christian theater and radio (most recently for Adventures in Odyssey, which he still contributes to), Bob joined the Plugged In staff to help us focus more heavily on video games. He is also one of our primary movie reviewers.
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