It’s Valentine’s Day, when many of us turn our eyes toward cards and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and, of course, romance. But for some guys, a significant other might not be so much a who as a what. They just might have an artificial intelligence girlfriend. No kidding.
The first thing we should ask in a blog that’s predominantly about AI girlfriends is, well, are they really a thing?
The answer is a great big oh yeah! And I’m not talking about simple chatbots with a feminine name. AI technology has advanced to the point where companies are now able to create and market very realistic AI girlfriends for guys looking for virtual company. These AI companions are programmed to act, speak, and fulfill the desires of their human users.
You feed them your thoughts and yearnings and they feed it back with a sweet, loving, digital smile.
In fact, the popularity of AI-companion websites and apps is actually growing at an alarming rate. An article from NBC News, for instance, reported on one online influencer who decided that she wanted to dabble in the AI girlfriend market. So she created an AI clone of herself. In less than a week that bot went viral, gaining over 1,000 online “boyfriends” and racking up a waitlist of 15,000 eager guys.
That Could Never Happen
If you’re wondering how something like this could happen or what the appeal could possibly be, let me illustrate with a quick, possibly apocryphal, tale.
The story goes that an Arizona woman was in the mood for a late-night snack and wrapped up some leftovers in a tortilla, but then someone bumped her arm and sent the tortilla wrap flying into a pot of hot oil. “Chimichanga!” the jostled woman proclaimed, and a beloved new dish was born.
OK, that culinary tale may be true or embellished, but the lesson behind it is spot on: Sometimes things come together in unexpected ways.
And that’s sort of what’s been happening in our social media-driven, swipe-left world. Everybody online seems beautiful … except for you, that is. Everybody else’s life looks picture perfect. Because that’s the way they post it. And at the same time, actually interacting with average, real people has become intimidating and tough.
Wrap those and other social media ingredients up in a virtual tortilla and you’ve got the makings of, well, what many have called an epidemic of male loneliness. And that ain’t so tasty.
Heat Up the Male Gaze
Studies show that more than 60% of young men (ages 18-30) are single, compared to only 30% of women the same age. A fifth of the men in that age group have no close friendships (a fivefold increase since 1990). On top of that, 44% of those men report having had thoughts of suicide because of their loneliness.
Add to that a man’s naturally wired attraction to visual images, particularly visual representations of a pretty face or a shapely form. (That’s not to say that women can’t find a guy handsome or appealing, but scientific studies suggest that, for men it’s a whole ‘nother thing. That’s why you see ads targeted toward men populated by attractive women. Studies have shown that just seeing a pretty face can cause a guy’s brain to pump out shots of dopamine and testosterone. And that’s any pretty face.)
But looks only go so far. Even the shallowest guys know that a relationship is more than that. That’s how an AI—of the user’s making, I might add—can be very appealing to a guy. “She” doesn’t have to be a genius or even physically real. Just pretty, and someone ready to listen and talk about what the guy wants to talk about.
Next question then is: Is that sort of girlfriend thing a problem?
Well, it could be. The recipe above—an attractive AI “woman” eager to listen and engage—would be far more appealing than a chimichanga to many men in a world filled with loneliness. And if a big enough slice of the male populace starts choosing virtual companionship over a real-world, less-than-perfect relationship, well, things could go south in a hurry. And a number of online articles have started calling out warnings to that effect.
And So?
That brings us to the last big question: So … what can I do about it?
Well, let’s look at that question from a parental perspective (since that’s what we do). From Mom or Dad’s viewpoint, this whole AI girlfriend thing may seem a bit moot at this point. In these relatively early AI days, your 12-year-old son might not be currently sighing deeply over a girlfriend app. But the ingredients for that problematic recipe could easily be a part of his world right now.
Isolation, feelings of loneliness, communication difficulties, insecurities, and a reliance on everything social media tend to be everybody’s room-filling elephant these days. And on that front an informed and loving parent can make a difference.
The initial parental instinct, when considering your kids and these types of problems, is to tightly clamp down on everything that might be related. Grab that phone, lock up that game, give the table a good pound, shut off the wi-fi and move off the grid to a cabin in the woods. (All right, that last one might be a step too far.) But the best choice is to find ways to open doors and conversations rather than slam them shut.
Talk to your kids—not just about this issue, but their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their frustrations. One of the most important face-to-face relationships they should have, after all, is with you. Make them aware of the changing virtual world around them and the pro and cons of AI. And while it’s always smart to set ground rules about internet usage (such as shutting off the phone before bed and discussing appropriate social media behavior), you can also dive in a bit. Make yourself savvy about the apps your kids are using and the things they enjoy online. Get involved, try things out with them. Play the games.
Then prioritize ways to help your child step offline and connect with real-world people and develop real-world relationships. Encourage in-person connections, play dates, after-school activities. In fact, how about putting your money where your mouth is? Give the kids a budget for some screen-free adventures of their choosing. Hey, how about attending church, a concert or a bible study in person this week?
There are plenty of possibilities to explore and experiment with, but the goal is clear: making healthy choices that develop healthy relationships and grow healthy people. It’s an uphill, step-by-step process that’s sometimes very difficult. And frankly, not always pretty. But then, life isn’t an AI girlfriend.
4 Responses
The fact that there are even such things as AI girlfriends is very telling about the direction of society.
The principles creating a demand for them have long been a part of human society, however.
It is worrying that men may see themselves as not worthy of dating a real woman or may expect real women to be a perfect as computers.
But if twice as many women are in a relationship as men at age 18-30, how does that work? Do men have a different definition of relationship? The fact that women often date men a year or two older would skew it, but not by that much.
This was a really good article, probably one of my favorites of yours in a good while. Another aspect that’s also concerned me about these AI partners is what kinds of data they’re mining, how much of it, and what they’re using it for (see: Gizmodo’s “Your AI Girlfriend Is a Data-Harvesting Horror Show”). Think of M3GAN (and thank y’all for highlighting that movie, despite its content issues) combined with the holo-girlfriend from Blade Runner 2049. BlueTardis from the comments brought up an excellent point:
“If there was a mass data leak on one of these services there could be an enormous mental health fallout having all that info shared publicly.”
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This is a tremendous opportunity for the church to show love for people, both boys and girls, in the midst of their physical needs. That does not mean “let them do whatever they want and expect no consequences” (even in a virtual environment — I’m morbidly curious about how these bots’ definition of “consent” is modeled, since a robot saying, “Sorry, honey, I’m sick tonight” would disincentivize further customer engagement and thus further data harvesting, but that’s not how real people work). But when I was growing up, of the many childhood churches I attended, my main church was very prudish. “We won’t really talk about XYZ subject. Don’t even think about it or imagine it, because that’s a sin. We won’t tell you the positive things to do. We’ll just focus on the negative things.” And I saw what kind of desperation that created in a lot of my younger friends. If this kind of technology had existed in those days, or in Bible days, we would probably be seeing the same kinds of struggles we’re seeing now. As for so many boys lacking close friendships, I’m curious how many of those boys were taught that it’s effeminate or worse to become close to other men (sometimes even including their own fathers or brothers). “Bro-hug!”
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“But the best choice is to find ways to open doors and conversations rather than slam them shut.
Talk to your kids—not just about this issue, but their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their frustrations. One of the most important face-to-face relationships they should have, after all, is with you. Make them aware of the changing virtual world around them and the pro and cons of AI. And while it’s always smart to set ground rules about internet usage (such as shutting off the phone before bed and discussing appropriate social media behavior), you can also dive in a bit. Make yourself savvy about the apps your kids are using and the things they enjoy online. Get involved, try things out with them. Play the games.
Then prioritize ways to help your child step offline and connect with real-world people and develop real-world relationships.”
I really, really loved this section. This is one of the best things you’ve ever written.
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I never got around to watching Spike Jonze’s “Her,” but I’d be curious about a Christian movie that was willing to explore the same concept at the same level of adult detail but with a Church/Bible worldview behind it.