Who doesn’t like soccer? Or, football, as most others around the world call it.
Billions of people around the globe revere soccer deep in their hearts—along with its All-Star players, too. And now, it’s time to see which athlete is truly the best in the “All-Star Cup All-Star of All All-Stars of All Time” competition. Who’s in the running for the title, you might ask? Well, there’s Zlatan Ibrahimović, Megan Rapinoe and … wait … is that “Weird Al” Yankovic?
As it turns out, Weird Al isn’t just a world-famous parody song writer; he’s also a bit of a mad scientist—and he’s developed a way to “borrow a teensy bit of soccer skills from each player using advanced genetics.” Soon, All-Star players are attacked by mutant slugs which sap away their talent and give it to Weird Al, turning the players into mindless hulking mutants in the process.
Fortunately, there’s a group that stands in Weird Al’s way: the Creature Catchers, a soccer-loving pest-control team made up of four children. And if there’s anyone who’s oddly specific qualifications meet the job description, it’s them.
With the big game coming up, the Creature Catchers need to eradicate the mutant slugs and return the star players back to normal—and that’s not even mentioning dealing with Weird Al’s schemes.
Though danger is certainly present, the Creature Catchers rush into battle in order to save All-Star players and to protect the rest of the town.
The movie implies that true talent can never be stolen, nor can it be replicated. Instead, we see, genuine talent will always beat manufactured talent.
Zlatan offers to give the Creature Catchers four tickets to a game that they weren’t able to get into.
The “Hallelujah Chorus” plays when Megan Rapinoe appears. Weird Al is called the “lord of the accordion.”
Zlatan’s severed ponytail gains sentience, and when it asks to get back together with Zlatan, he says that he’s already seeing someone.
Weird Al kicks a soccer ball into announcer Rob Stone’s face twice. Weird Al kicks Zlatan into a fireplace, causing his rear to catch on fire twice.
Mutant “slug babies” bite at Zlatan, Megan and Megan’s dog, and the former two are turned into angry mutants. The mutants Zlatan and Megan smash cars and cause general destruction. On a couple occasions, the Creature Catchers are put in life-threatening danger when heavy things are thrown at them (and when mutant Megan rearranges one of them into a ball).
Zlatan’s sentient ponytail smacks Weird Al repeatedly in the face, and it later shoves itself down Al’s throat, deflating him. The same ponytail also turns into a creepy, scorpion-like monstrosity with a large, toothy mouth and claws that could scare younger or sensitive viewers. The mutant ponytail eats a couple slugs and people (the latter of whom are able to escape the monster’s belly by bursting through its stomach in an explosion of green goo).
None, other than a character who says “jeez.”
We discover that whoopee cushions trigger the transformation between mutated All-Stars and their regular forms—thus, flatulent noises are frequently heard. Weird Al bumps rears with a mutant minion in celebration, and he also flatulates. Weird Al escapes the mutant ponytail’s belly by crawling out its rear, from which he is launched in a haze of green gas. Weird Al blows an airhorn for an extensive amount of time. A slug vomits.
If there was an award for most outrageously odd movie plot of the year, The Soccer Football Movie would earn it, hands down.
Granted, Weird Al secretly being a mad scientist honestly would not surprise me that much. But using said occupation to steal famous soccer players’ talents to become the world’s greatest soccer player is certainly not what I expected.
This Netflix movie is only 73 minutes long, making it a pretty quick watch. And its famous voice actors will certainly draw some eyes to it. But though the movie’s plot revolves around soccer, it’s just as much sci-fi as it is sport. With all of its twists and turns, you’ll be astounded that the whole thing started with a game of soccer.
And despite the wacky ideas that were certainly thrown to raised eyebrows in the film’s pitch meeting, the biggest concern for parents is the film’s general slapstick violence and a few toilet gags. Well, that and the creepy monster at the end of the film that just might provide some nightmare fuel for your toddlers. But hey, bet you didn’t expect that in a film about soccer.
Though he was born in Kansas, Kennedy Unthank studied journalism at the University of Missouri. He knew he wanted to write for a living when he won a contest for “best fantasy story” while in the 4th grade. What he didn’t know at the time, however, was that he was the only person to submit a story. Regardless, the seed was planted. Kennedy collects and plays board games in his free time, and he loves to talk about biblical apologetics and hermeneutics. He doesn’t think the ending of Lost was “that bad.”