Melissa & Joey
It could be said that yesteryear's TV stars never really go away. Instead, they lurk in pop culture's "Where Are They Now?" file, waiting for the next opportunity to remind old fans that they still exist. Such is the case with Melissa & Joey. This multicamera sitcom on ABC Family stars Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina the Teenage Witch) and Joey Lawrence (Blossom). No doubt channel execs hope the presence of two former teen phenoms—who, it seems, we're meant to recognize from their first names alone—will give their show an edge in the increasingly fragmented world of network and cable television.
Hart plays Mel Burke, a feisty Toledo, Ohio, city councilwoman from a well-known political family. Her own aspirations, however, have been saddled by an unexpected responsibility: guardianship of her teenage niece and nephew, Lennox and Ryder Scanlon, after their parents get busted as masterminds of a global scam.
Mel has no shortage of affection for her charges. But the former sorority-girl wild child fancies herself more a cool big sister than anything resembling a disciplined parent. Given her own checkered past, Mel hardly knows which way is up when it comes to helping these two teens successfully navigate adolescence. Nor is she any better when it comes to basic household maintenance. Cooking? Cleaning? Help with homework? That's what nannies are for, reasons Mel.
Enter Joe Longo, a former hotshot commodities broker whose entire life—career, marriage, finances—got torpedoed by the Scanlons' scam. In a turn of events that could only happen in a sitcom, Joe convinces Mel that he can be the nanny, or manny, she's looking for. After all, he's got mad gourmet cooking skills and speaks fluent teen. And so he moves in—with Mel frequently letting him know that she has zero interest in him romantically. Right.
That's the narrative backdrop for Melissa & Joey. As for the situations in this sitcom, well, it's pretty typical fare—which is to say that sexual innuendo and deception both play big supporting roles. Positive moments and lessons, in contrast, are few and far between.
When asked by Parade magazine, "Is your new show, Melissa & Joey, fun for the whole family?" Hart said, "No. It's on ABC Family, but it has the humor of a show like Two and a Half Men. It's a little dirty, a little racy, a little grown-up. You shouldn't let your 8-year-old see it."
Episode Reviews
"Enemies With Benefits"
In this Season 2 premiere, Joey's intent on getting back into the dating game. That's OK with Mel—until she learns that Joey's decided to date his ex-wife. Who's his ex-wife? Tiffany. A silicone-enhanced train wreck who deserted him when his fortunes went south.
When Mel and Tiffany meet, the sleep-around ex secretly confesses that she thinks she's pregnant and pinky-swears Mel into not telling. But, of course, she does—only to find out that Joey believes himself to be the father. Turns out he and Tiff-Pop had sex right there on Mel's living room couch. Eww. (So says Mel and us.)
On the kids' side of things, Lennox becomes obsessed with all her friends who are getting popularity nods online. So she decides to put on a fainting scene at school to gain attention. It works—so well that the tale is told of a (male) teacher jumping on her to resuscitate her. Ryder thinks the guy's sexually assaulting her and runs to her aid, ending up with a black eye when Teach slugs him. Other lame sex gags are peppered throughout, too. And nobody actually learns anything from their irresponsible actions. "A‑‑," "b‑‑ch," "h‑‑‑," "d‑‑mit" and "frickin'" show up in the dialogue along with several misuses of God's name.
"Nanny Love"
Mel fears that lying to an old friend who's auditing her office will undermine her political career—a fear she naturally tries to deal with by lying even more. And she compares deception in a relationship to a push-up bra. Ryder (who's perhaps 13) overhears and jokes, "I always prayed for a nanny in a push-up bra." Later, Mel compares telling the truth to removing that bra to "let the girls fly," as she shakes her (clothed) chest.
It's implied that Mel was promiscuous in college. And multiple jokes are made about Joe's need for sex. When Mel asks Joe if he went all the way with her friend on their first date, he says it was "really close." Later he complains that the deception Mel wants him to maintain is inhibiting his sexual freedom with the woman he's lying to—and he walks around bent over in pain because of his unmet desire. Ryder suggests that a 100-year-old neighbor would be willing to have intercourse with Joe.
Mel's friend says, "I'm gonna put their nuts in a vice and squeeze." Profane language includes a half-dozen misuses of God's name, "h‑‑‑," "suck it" and "holy crap."
"Pilot"
Lennox gets suspended for penning a particularly naughty poem at school, in which she invokes (without quite actually saying) the obscene c-word—by rhyming her principal's name. When Lennox shows up to apologize, we find out that Joey's paid her to do it. That motivation notwithstanding, though, Lennox does take sincere responsibility for her poor choices and publicly affirms that Mel is trying to be the best "parent" she can be.
When a co-worker compares Mel to her senator father, she asks, "Did I smell like strippers?" She says she can't remember what life was like when she was 15 because "I did a lot of drinking," and she jokes about her mom sending her out at 3 a.m. to buy gin. We hear that Ryder set 20 of his father's suits on fire, and someone jokes that the boy needs electroshock therapy to cure his arsonist impulses.
Problematic language in this premiere includes a half-dozen misuses of God's name, "h‑‑‑," "a‑‑," "b‑‑tard," "p‑‑‑ed," "friggen," "screw it," "suck it" and "holy nuts." Joe calls women "vaginal Americans."